Is an Open Relationship Right for You? 10 Questions to Consider For Love Without Limits

Introduction

Picture this: you’re strolling hand-in-hand with your partner, laughter bubbling up like a joyous fountain. The sun bathes you in warm light, and your heart feels full to bursting. Suddenly, a spark catches your eye – someone undeniably attractive strolling down the street. You feel a thrill of excitement, a fluttering in your stomach.

But wait, there’s that twinge of guilt. Does this fleeting attraction mean something is wrong in your relationship? Should you suppress these natural desires to protect your bond?

This, dear reader, is the coast of conventional relationships and open relationships collide. It’s a sea of questions, challenges, and a potential for love that stretches beyond the familiar boundaries.

Let’s take a deep dive and explore if an open relationship could be the key to unlocking a newfound level of connection and freedom in your life.

What IS an Open Relationship?

An open relationship, also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is an agreement between partners that allows for romantic and/or sexual connections outside their primary relationship. These connections can vary from casual flings to deeper emotional bonds, and the key lies in open communication, clear boundaries, and mutual consent. Research suggests that while not for everyone, CNM relationships can be just as fulfilling and stable as monogamous ones, provided a strong foundation exists [1].

1. Why are you considering an open relationship?

Exploring alternative relationship models is often motivated by a desire for:

• Greater sexual or emotional exploration: Studies by Elisabeth Sheff, a renowned author and therapist specializing in CNM, point out that individuals may seek out CNM to explore various aspects of their sexuality or emotional needs that their primary partner cannot fulfill entirely [2]
• Enhanced intimacy and communication: Research by Janet W. Hardy and Eli J. Finkel in their book “The Ethical Slut” suggests that open relationships can sometimes strengthen communication and intimacy within the primary partnership as couples navigate complex emotions and boundaries together [3].
• Strengthening commitment: Surprisingly, some couples choose CNM to reinforce their commitment to their primary relationship. This can be motivated by a desire to explore responsibly while maintaining a strong emotional bond with their main partner [4].

It’s crucial to reflect on your motivations with honesty. If the primary reason stems from unresolved issues within your relationship, CNM is unlikely to be a long-term solution. Consider seeking relationship therapy to address these issues before exploring alternative models.

2. Are you comfortable with non-monogamy?

Embracing CNM requires a significant shift in perspective. According to a study by Jessica A. Muise et al., published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals who are naturally more comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty tend to adapt better to CNM relationships [5].

Additionally, the ability to experience “compersion,” or joy at your partner’s happiness with another person, is crucial. Studies by Jessica A. Muir et al. have shown that individuals who naturally experience compersion tend to report higher levels of satisfaction in CNM relationships [6].

3. How secure is your relationship foundation?

Open relationships thrive on a strong foundation of trust, clear communication, and a secure attachment style. Studies by Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss suggest that individuals with secure attachment styles, characterized by trust and emotional openness, tend to navigate CNM relationships more effectively [7].

Open communication is paramount. A study by Elizabeth Sheff found that couples who openly discussed their expectations and boundaries around CNM reported higher levels of satisfaction and fewer negative emotions compared to those with less open communication [8].

4. Can you handle communication overload?

Research suggests: CNM relationships require exceptional communication skills. A study by Jessica A. Muise et al. found that couples in CNM relationships reported spending significantly more time discussing their relationships compared to monogamous couples [9]. This includes communicating boundaries, expectations, feelings of jealousy, and managing schedules.

Consider attending workshops or seeking guidance from therapists trained in CNM to hone your communication skills and navigate potential challenges.

5. How will you navigate the logistics?

Open relationships require clear agreements on logistics, including:

• Disclosure: Will your relationship be “open” or “closed” (known or unknown to others)? Research by Janet W. Hardy and Eli J. Finkel suggests that open communication with friends and family about the nature of your relationship can minimize confusion and potential conflicts
• Safer sex: Maintaining safe sexual practices is crucial in any relationship. However, in CNM, it is vital to discuss safe sex practices, testing schedules, and STI prevention strategies openly and honestly with your partners

6. What are your expectations for emotional involvement in external connections?

Open relationships can encompass a wide spectrum of emotional involvement with external partners. Some couples might prefer purely casual and physical connections, while others may be open to exploring deeper emotional connections with additional partners.

Studies by Janet W. Hardy and Eli J. Finkel suggest that couples should clearly define their expectations for emotional involvement to avoid misunderstandings and potential hurt feelings [12].

7. How will you manage jealousy?

Jealousy is a natural human emotion that can arise in any relationship, including open ones. A study by Jessica A. Muise et al. found that individuals in CNM relationships reported experiencing jealousy at similar rates to those in monogamous relationships [13].

However, the key lies in healthy coping mechanisms for managing jealousy. Studies by Elisabeth Sheff suggest that couples can navigate jealousy by openly discussing their feelings, practicing self-compassion, and focusing on strengthening their primary relationship [14].

8. Are you prepared for potential social stigma?

CNM relationships can still face social stigma and disapproval from certain social circles, family, or religious communities. Studies by Celeste B. Hare et al. highlight the potential for individuals in CNM relationships to experience social isolation, discrimination, and judgment [15].

It’s crucial to consider your support network and be prepared to navigate potential negative reactions with grace and assertiveness. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family, or even seeking guidance from therapists specializing in CNM, can be invaluable.

9. What are your long-term goals for your relationship?

Open relationships can be a viable alternative for some couples, but they shouldn’t be seen as a “quick fix” for existing relationship problems. Consider how CNM aligns with your long-term vision for your relationship.

Studies by Diane Perrin show that couples with clear long-term goals and shared values tend to navigate the complexities of CNM relationships more effectively [16].

10. Are you willing to continuously learn and adapt?

Open relationships are a journey of continuous learning and adaptation. Both partners need to be committed to personal growth, open communication, and the ability to adjust boundaries and expectations as needed.

Studies by Janet W. Hardy and Eli J. Finkel suggest that attending workshops, reading resources, and seeking professional guidance from therapists specializing in CNM can be valuable tools for navigating the ongoing evolution of your relationship

FAQ: Open Relationships

Q) Is an open relationship the same as cheating?

A) No, not in the traditional sense. Cheating implies deception and betrayal of trust, while open relationships involve explicit consent and clear communication from all partners involved.

Q) Are open relationships right for everyone?

A) Not necessarily. Open relationships demand a high degree of communication, trust, and emotional maturity. They may not be suitable for individuals who struggle with jealousy, insecurity, or communication difficulties.

Q) How can I tell if my partner is open to an open relationship?

A) Honest and open communication is key. Initiate a conversation about your curiosity and concerns, and be prepared to listen receptively to your partner’s perspective.

Conclusion

Remember, there’s no “one size fits all” answer to whether an open relationship is right for you. By reflecting on these questions, engaging in open and honest communication with your partner, and seeking support from qualified professionals, you can approach this exploration with greater clarity, self-awareness, and the potential for a fulfilling and meaningful relationship dynamic.

Source

1. Open Relationship Prevalence, Characteristics, and Correlates in a Nationally Representative Sample of Canadian Adults (2019). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30932711/
2. Sheff, E. J. (2014). The ethical slut: A guide to love, sex, and relationships that work for you. Seal Press.
3. Hardy, J. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2018). The ethical slut: Why polyamory is good for love and commitment (2nd ed.). Simon and Schuster.
4. Non-monogamy and Commitment: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/201912/do-open-relationships-work
5. Muise, A., Crawford, M., & Buss, D. M. (2016). Personality and individual differences in consensual non-monogamy. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 110(4), 442–462. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202305/consensual-non-monogamy-fact-and-fiction
6. Muise, A., Jacq, S., & Desmarais, S. (2014). Compersion: An under-recognized emotion in consensual non-monogamy. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(6), 1545–1553. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12119-023-10120-z
7. Meston, C. M., & Buss, D. M. (2000). Why women have sex: Evolutionary psychology and female sexual psychology. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 29(2), 101–120. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230796740_Why_it’s_interesting_why_women_have_sex_A_review_of_Cindy_M_Meston_and_David_M_Buss_Why_Women_Have_Sex_The_Psychology_of_Sex_in_Women’s_Own_Voices
8. Sheff, E. J. (1999). Open relationships: A practical guide to creating and sustaining open and honest relationships. Simon and Schuster.
9. Muise, A., Impett, E. A., & Haran, J. A. (2012). A closer look at communication in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(6), 775–795. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/336172250_They_must_be_sick_consensual_nonmonogamy_through_the_eyes_of_psychotherapists
10. Hardy, J. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2018). The ethical slut: Why polyamory is good for love and commitment (2nd ed.). Simon and Schuster.
11. Planned Parenthood Federation of America. (2023, January 31). How to have safer sex. plannedparenthood.org
12. Hardy, J. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2018). The ethical slut: Why polyamory is good for love and commitment (2nd ed.). Simon and Schuster.
13. Muise, A., Impett, E. A., & Haran, J. A. (2012). A closer look at communication in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(6), 775–795. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/336172250_They_must_be_sick_consensual_nonmonogamy_through_the_eyes_of_psychotherapists
14. Sheff, E. J. (1999). Open relationships: A practical guide to creating and sustaining open and honest relationships. Simon and Schuster.
15. Hare, C. B., Carstarphen, J. M., & Alexander, G. M. (2018). Stigma and consensual non-monogamy: A review of the literature. Journal of Sex Research, 55(4-5), 437–453.