Life is the most peculiar thing I’ve ever encountered. Mourning a loss is unsettling, but what can you do when things are so far gone and the will to communicate is one-sided?
She Was Too Extra
We met in college and weren’t too fond of each other. I felt she was too extra; however, after having so many classes together we eventually formed a friendship. She (whom we’ll just call Elle for the sake of privacy) graduated two semesters before me and we stayed in touch via social media.
The Beginning of Something Beautiful
Fast forward to circa 2014, this is when our friendship took a turn, for the better. Elle lived abroad in Spain as she taught English to middle school students, and I was a caretaker for a teenage boy with Prader-Willi Syndrome at the time. Oddly enough we started to become close after I was hospitalized after an allergic reaction to a high dosage of steroids. I know you’re thinking “steroids?!” “for what?!” Well, I went on a family vacation and we all came back bitten up all over our bodies from ‘no-see-um’ bugs (if you don’t believe they exist google them).
Elle Unveiled her Soul
Unfortunately for me, I had a psychotic break which led me to attempt suicide twice at home, and once in the behavioral health hospital; I even started to hear voices. Anyhoo, a mutual friend made Elle abreast of my situation and she immediately reached out to me. Because I wasn’t allowed to have my phone in the facility, she was in contact with my mom, every day. Once I was released we began to talk daily. That's when I was able to see her soul underneath all that personality and our best-friendship began.
Great Memories Still Resonate
Thinking back to that time is disheartening now as I look at the totality of our friendship. I find myself mourning a loss although she isn’t deceased. This is hard as I reflect on the times she’d come by and simply hang out with me when I didn’t want to go anywhere, the times she’d just let me vent, and so many times I cried out of frustration of being diagnosed with a mental illness and feeling as if my entire life had been crumbled and tossed in the shredder. Then my memory drifts to the countless secrets shared, in-depth conversations about life and our futures, wildest out-of-this-world nights we’ve experienced together, so many amazing trips we’ve taken, Galentine’s Days we vowed to celebrate even once we were married with kids, and those random bestie dates that we’d both look forward to that came equipped with car karaoke.
The Root of it All
Ultimately, time and circumstances change people, and from my perspective, I felt jealousy killed our relationship. In 2017, my writing career started to take off, I was getting published nearly weekly, simultaneously writing my memoir, and in an okay spot in my love life. Elle verbalized her jealousy to me once and I couldn’t believe from my best friend, someone who’d seen my struggle and physically saw me at my lowest. She explained that my dreams coming into fruition made her realize that she wasn’t manifesting her own. We discussed it and got through it, but in the back of my mind, I could never let go of that feeling inside; One of hurt and disappointment; How could my success bring about envy, when all I ever do is encourage and support you? Why does my growth threaten you?
I'm Accepting What Is
Needless to say, sometimes people just aren’t meant to be in your life forever, no matter how much you want them to be. I can say mourning a loss has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve seen my growth as far as how I will allow people to treat me. My mom always says “sometimes you have to teach people how to treat you,” and I’ve become very assertive. I’ve learned that there’s strength in standing firm on your word. I am changing and growing every day with no regrets, and tension has no place to settle in my heart.