As women we have been socially conditioned to not make the first move. You are taught how to flirt or play coy, but actually asking someone out was never your job. For straight women, this remains the reality. Countless men will pursue you if you are a woman, so you’ll never make the first move. But if you are a woman who love women (WLW) getting a date can be a bit more challenging, and calling a girl you like can be terrifying. When two people are waiting for the other person to ask them out, chances are it will never happen. This leads to the old trope about lesbians never actually dating cause they’re both too scared.
Note: This article is for all queer identifying women. It does not matter if you are trans, cis, genderqueer, bi, pan etc..
Getting Over Old Ideas
Online you can find countless memes about two WLW complaining about being single, but refusing to change. Though this is a somewhat stereotyped depiction of women in the queer community, this ideas comes from a small piece of truth. When little girls are taught to play hard to get or to wait to be pursued, it stays with them when they grow up. So step one to calling a girl is getting past that.
On a larger systemic scale this means fixing the way we talk to kids about relationships. But for adults who are already indoctrinated into this way of thinking, it can be difficult to overcome. Take some time for yourself and think about what scares you about asking someone out. Only by dealing with your own internal bias can you overcome your fears an anxieties.
Make Sure She’s Queer
Everyone in the queer community has been there: you meet someone totally amazing, but then discover that they are straight. Asking someone out, only to discover they are straight is frustrating and time consuming. Try bringing up sexuality in conversation when you first meet. If you are not sure, try dropping subtle hints that you like girls and see how she responds. Or, if you are brave enough, be straight forward and ask. Either way, this is an easy step to make your phone call less nerve wracking.
Text First
In this modern age of technology phone calls are extremely rare. They can be jarring if you are not expecting them. Texting first is a good way to establish a relationship before you go full into conversation mode. Even if you are bad at texting, send her some memes or a funny article. Do something to establish you are interested before you try calling.
Have a Plan
You are clearly calling this girl because you like her. And maybe you just want to talk because she is pretty and nice, and you just want a casual conversation. But nothing is worse than starting a conversation and having nothing to say. If you don’t know her very well, have some jokes or funny stories prepared to entertain her. Also make sure you ask plenty of questions about her; it will help you get to know her, and science has shown people will like you more if you ask them about themselves. Having a plan will also insure that if there is a lull in the conversation, you will have something to get passed it.
Pick a Good Time
Don’t pick a time when it is highly likely that she is busy. Picking a bad time is an easy way to get out of asking her out, but pretending like you put in the effort. If she works nights, call her during the day. Of course it is impossible to know her schedule, but don’t blatantly shoot yourself in the foot cause you are scared. You want to talk to her. So do your best to find a good time that works for both of you.
Just Do It
Make like Shia LaBeouf and just do it. The longer you wait, the scarier it is going to be, and the more likely you will be to back out. You need to rip off the bandaid. In order to put yourself out there, you need to put yourself out there. No amount of internet articles or YouTube videos on dating will help you if you never try. So after you have thought through everything as best you can, go out and do it. Even if she turns you down, you will be glad you tried.
For some extra tips for dates, check out our list of the best wineries in New York here.
